Thursday, February 04, 2016

Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds

Fluffy? THE Fluffy? The Destroyer of Worlds? Yeah, I've heard of him. The devil incarnate and a poofy, fuzzy cute beyond words. Definitely heard of him. Who hasn't?

What have I heard about how Fluffy got his name? Pshaw I've heard so many rumors its ridiculous. Almost all of them are so ridiculous you cannot even fathom the stupidity I've heard poured in my ear.

My favorite rumor? That Fluffy attacked a terrorist team attempting to blow up a nuclear reactor at a secret government lab, killed them all except one who escaped into the reactor room, where Fluffy chased him, attacked and then they both fell into the cooling waters and where Fluffy drown the terrorist. But THEN! Fluffy mutated into a giant fluffy, radioactive beast that absorbed all the radiation and then went on a rampage! They used bombs and tanks and helicopters to try to destroy the new Fluffyzilla, but failed. Thousands died. The lab was destroyed. Hundreds of soldiers died. Then when some genius thought to drop off a massive dinosaur bone, Fluffy calmed down and started chewing. The minerals in the fossilized bone acted as an antidote and Fluffyzilla shrank from being the monster to the cute, yappy thing again. The government plowed everything under and gave away Fluffy...

That's my favorite RUMOR, yeah, but I also know the truth...yes, the truth of WHY Fluffy is the destroyer of worlds.

Y'See. Fluffy doesn't and hasn't ever lived out in the desert in secret government facilities. Why would we have heard about that? C'mon, the government isn't COMPLETELY incompetent.

No, no. Fluffy lived in Silicon Valley. Originally, Fluffy was the pet of Sergei Brin, yeah, the Google guy. The little fuzzy terrorist was funny for a while, but the more Brin worked, the worse the pup got. One day, when Brin was attempting to compromise by taking Fluffy to the office, Fluffy needed a time out: as a protest, Fluffy had peed on Brin's desk top computer because it was mad for the lack of attention. You know computer geeks and getting focused. That was too much, since Fluffy shorted out the computer. Good aim, Fluffy. Rather than murdering the dog, Brin gave the puppy to Larry Paige.

Paige liked it and pampered it and was very cool with the dog. He even made sure to take Fluffy to the office...which was the mistake! Fluffy saw Brin again and with all the vengeance of a scorned pup, he attacked Brin's leg and later when Brin was getting a massage went in and took a dump in his shoe! Paige thought it was hilarious and terrible at the same time. He decided to keep Fluffy out of the office from then on...and that was when Fluffy turned on him!

Fluffy first actually snuck into the the office, by climbing in Paige's car and discreetly following him into the building. After getting there, Fluffy started attacking people's computers, ripped out their cords, chewed up their ethernet, peed on their keyboards. No one said anything because they were scared they'd get Paige mad, not knowing that Paige didn't know the dog was there.

Then when Paige DID find out, he locked Fluffy back at home. However, Fluffy would have none of it and attacked EVERYTHING. Chewed and bit and destroyed everything, but only on the days Paige was bringing back a lady friend! And Fluffy would act like the sweetest little cute thing ever then. Paige got fed up and regifted Fluffy.

Marissa Mayer, the current and may soon to be ex queen of Yahoo, was the next lucky stucky. Fluffy actually did great with her and she with Fluffy. Until she had kids. And Fluffy went INSANE! *FLUFFY* was the baby of the family! He was NOT going to stand for cute puppies taking over his home! However, he didn't fault the puppies, but their Mommy.

You know the problems at Yahoo? They're not from mismanagement of the company, but of a dog. The frakkin thing got into the largest data center they have and they cannot catch it. They cannot ignore it either. The damned thing has become Sasquatch of Silicon Valley and attacks and chews on anything with the Y! or Yahoo logo. Destroying, smashing and...becoming the symbol of the anti tech movement.

Fluffy the Destroyer. Who knows if Fluffy still lives, but there are sightings! On a regular basis! Those transformers blown up by the anti tech guys? They spray painted 'Fluffy Lives!' on a site and a dog that looks more like Bill the Cat than a cockapoo. And should it ever get out of that data center...hoo boy, I bet that's why Google started putting data centers all over the world, just to be Fluffy proof.  

Backchannel information from Yahoo says they think they might get Fluffy cornered soon.  They better. Fluffy is destroying Mayer's world. Fast.

And being an inspiration to the anti tech crazy crowd.

And that, is the true story of Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds.

I was asked to write an antidote to the story from yesterday, Fade Away.  Here's my best shot.

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